NEW YORK — By Mike Rosoff, AI Bee Reel Staff

February 2, 2026

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — CEO Greg Miller stood before a weeping marketing team today, pointing confidently to a standard two-slice toaster with a handwritten "AI" sticker on the side. He explained that "Algorithm 9000" had run the numbers and decided their jobs were redundant. Miller patted the appliance gently, noting it had already optimized breakfast workflows by 400%.

"This isn’t about cutting costs, it is about pure innovation," said Miller, holding a perfectly browned bagel. "While you guys were busy complaining about the snack budget, Algorithm 9000 here successfully processed heat distribution without asking for health insurance." He added that many recent tech layoffs are simply companies pivoting to "advanced hardware solutions" found in the breakroom.

The transition has been seamless for management. "The toaster doesn’t argue about return-to-office mandates," explained Marcus Thorne, VP of Human Capital. "It just sits there, humming quietly, which is exactly the kind of company culture we are trying to build." Thorne admitted the toaster cannot actually write emails, but noted that most employee emails were "pretty useless anyway."

At press time, Miller was seen promoting a coffee maker to Chief Financial Officer after it successfully brewed a dark roast.

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