“We understand that receiving 4,000 password reset notifications at 3:00 AM can seem alarming to the untrained eye,” said Sarah Kim, Vice President of User Trust, shouting slightly to be heard over the roar of emergency sirens. “But let’s be clear: this is not a hack. It is a proactive engagement feature designed to test your commitment to the platform. If anything, the fact that our notification system is working so aggressively proves that our security is robust enough to generate its own heat source.”

The company maintains that the user panic is merely a misunderstanding of modern digital terminology. David Nguyen, Chief Security Officer, explained that while users might see suspicious activity, the company views it as “rapid-fire authentication verification.” Nguyen paused to wipe soot from his forehead before continuing. “We define a ‘breach’ strictly as unauthorized access,” he said. “Since these emails are coming from our own systems screaming for help, technically, everything is working exactly as designed. We are not experiencing a meltdown; we are experiencing a high-energy thermal event.”

At press time, Instagram began billing enterprise users a monthly surcharge for access to the new “dynamic winter heating initiative” generated by the burning data center.

Inspired by actual events.