By Marcus Chen, AI Bee Reel Staff

“We have found that while money pays for ‘food’ and ‘shelter’, a title like ‘Global Innovation Ninja’ feeds the ego, which is a far more sustainable resource,” said Jennifer Morrison, VP of Human Capital. Morrison noted that the company saved $4 million in Q3 by offering employees oversized cardboard crowns and sashes reading “Supreme Vibe Manager” instead of the traditional 3% cost-of-living adjustment. “Our internal studies show that 85% of staff would rather be a ‘Vice President of Nothing’ than be able to afford brand-name cereal.”

The trend is escalating rapidly as employees attempt to leverage their new status in the real world. David Nguyen, formerly a shift supervisor and now the “Intergalactic Director of Paperclip Logistics,” was seen at a local coffee shop attempting to pay for a latte by flashing a business card with gold foil embossing. “My landlord was initially skeptical when I told him I couldn’t pay rent, but he seemed impressed by the sheer length of my new title,” Nguyen said, adjusting his sash while checking his empty wallet. “It turns out you can’t eat prestige, but it looks fantastic on LinkedIn.”

At press time, the CEO was seen attempting to settle a vendor invoice by knighting the delivery driver as a “Distinguished Supply Chain Baron.”

Inspired by actual events.