SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a desperate bid to keep the lights on, a local tech startup has officially declared manners a financial liability. Witnesses reported seeing Chief Financial Officer Greg Miller tackling a junior developer who was about to type ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ into the company AI prompt, screaming ‘WE CAN’T AFFORD POLITENESS!’ while pinning him to the carpet.

By Priya Gupta, AI Bee Reel Staff

“Every syllable costs money, and ‘kind regards’ is bleeding us dry,” said Miller, dusting off his suit jacket. He noted that the company’s AI bill was growing 30% month-over-month because employees kept asking the robot how it was feeling. “We found that 40% of our budget went to asking the AI ‘What is the return policy?’ in slightly different, polite ways. From now on, you will bark commands like a caveman or you will be fired.”

“Efficiency requires cruelty,” explained Director of Engineering Sarah Jenkins. She has replaced all standard keyboards with custom pads that only include the letters needed to spell “FIX CODE NOW.” Staff members were seen weeping in the breakroom, struggling to unlearn a lifetime of social conditioning as they forced themselves to be rude to the expensive language model. “It feels wrong, but the shareholders love the savings,” Jenkins added.

At press time, the company announced a new policy docking pay for anyone using adjectives in Slack messages.

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