“This is the total transparency we promised,” said Marcus Thorne, VP of User Experience. “While the old 2023 code was outdated, this new release finally gives people a peek behind the curtain. The hamster handles the server power, and the Magic 8-Ball script decides which posts are hate speech. It is a very lean system.”

“People think algorithms are math, but mostly it is just luck,” explained Linda Chen, Director of Server Health. “When you post a joke, the code shakes the digital 8-Ball. If it says ‘Outlook Good,’ you get a thousand likes. If it says ‘Ask Again Later,’ we ban your account for suspicious activity. It keeps everyone on their toes.”

At press time, X announced a premium upgrade that replaces the hamster with a guinea pig for faster load times.

Inspired by the real story: Elon Musk promised to open-source the X algorithm, though previous attempts revealed mostly outdated files. Read the full story.