“I have spent the last four days writing code just to make the volume button work,” said Edwards, wiping soot from his forehead. “On Windows, it just worked. That was tyranny. Now, I have to manually tell the computer what sound is. It is empowering.” He admitted that while he can no longer play video games, check email, or see color images, he has saved over $100 on software licensing fees.

“Users today are too soft,” explained Dr. Aris Thorne, VP of User Suffering at OpenSource United. “They expect a mouse to move when they push it. We believe you should have to read a 400-page manual to earn that cursor movement.” Neighbors reported seeing Edwards staring at a blank screen for six hours, whispering “sudo make install” while eating cold cereal. He has reportedly spent $3,500 on new computer parts to fix the free operating system.

At press time, Edwards was seen trying to print a single document by rewriting the printer’s entire operating system in binary using only a soldering iron.

Inspired by the real story: A Verge writer switched to Linux and faced constant catastrophes despite calling it the “year of Linux.” Read the full story.