“Our new policy emphasizes individual impact over collective success,” said VP of Talent Les Share, adjusting the razor wire atop his personal perimeter. “We believe true collaboration is achieved when every employee views their desk neighbor not as a partner, but as a gladiator in a specific fight for quarterly recognition.”

Senior Analyst Penny Pincher attempted to borrow a stapler but was blocked by a coworker physically tackling her to protect his resources. She noted the air smells distinctively of permanent marker, as colleagues use label makers to tag everything—including the floor tiles and ceiling panels—as private property to ensure no one else claims them.

At press time, the breakroom coffee pot was upgraded with a biometric lock that charges a “consulting fee” to anyone attempting to pour a cup without a top-tier performance rating.

Inspired by Amazon’s Bold New Ask Could Change Employee Behavior.