"We absolutely respect privacy and don’t want to spy on you," said VP of Human Capital Gary Lumburg. "We just capture 4,000 biometric data points per second. This simply ensures you aren’t thinking about the weekend."

Experts warn that invasive "bossware" destroys morale and makes people quit. To solve this, the firm installed keyboard breathalyzers. These devices only unlock the screen if the user is hyperventilating from pure stress.

The office atmosphere is now electric with anxiety. Employees sit frozen with absurdly large sensors taped to their foreheads. A manager holds a clipboard and times how long a single blink takes. Junior developer Timmy Miller was written up instantly. His chair sensor detected his pulse dropped below 110 beats per minute.

At press time, management was seen installing a heavy duty sensor on the breakroom coffee pot. Gary assured staff it measures "caffeine-to-code conversion rates" strictly for their own personal wellness journey.

Inspired by How Your Business Can Check on Productivity Without too Much Digital Surveillance.