“Workplace injuries cost money, but human autonomy costs more,” said Chief Efficiency Officer Chip Micro, adjusting his own servo-assisted tie. “By equipping our accounting staff with military-grade robotics, we ensure they never have an excuse to take a break, as the suit can simply lock their knees in a standing position until the fiscal quarter ends. It is a feature, not a bug.”

Dwyer, a tax specialist, reported significant difficulty navigating the breakroom while encased in the metal chassis. During lunch, she attempted to lift a turkey sandwich to her mouth. The suit’s sensors detected a payload, engaged the hydraulic servos with a loud whine, and launched the sandwich through the drop-ceiling tiles with the force of a frantic jackhammer.

At press time, the IT department was seen utilizing industrial winches to help the HR manager stamp a single rejection letter.

Inspired by Employers Are Turning to This 2.5-Pound Device to Save Millions on Manual Labor.