“We are solving the terrible devastation of social media by making the user interface so fundamentally tedious that nobody has the energy to be mean,” said Chief Intention Officer Miles Redtape, referencing the founders’ goal to help users plan with intention. “If you have to fill out a triplicate form just to type ‘lol,’ you generally decide it isn’t worth the administrative effort.”

Sarah Grind, a line cook trying to share a photo of a burger during her break, found herself entangled in literal red tape dispensed by the app’s peripheral hardware attachment. “I just wanted to post my lunch,” Grind said, wiping grease on a mandatory character reference form. “But the app demanded three witness signatures and a thumbprint before I could apply the ‘Yummy’ filter.”

At press time, the company announced a new update requiring a 500-word handwritten essay on mindfulness and a notarized affidavit before allowing users to like a post.

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