“Users told us they missed the tactile feel of 2005, so we engineered a device that brings back the internet speeds and frustration of 2005,” said CEO Otto Correct, shouting over the screech of a dial-up modem attachment. “While other companies chase slim designs, we are giving customers what they crave: a phone with physical buttons that weighs as much as a golden retriever and cannot fit in any known pocket.”

“I just wanted to send a quick email,” said Jenna Scroll, a paralegal trying to balance the device on a small bistro table at a crowded café. She attempted to type a reply, but the sheer length of the attachments forced her to use a stylus the size of a pool cue. “Every time I hit ‘send,’ the fax attachment prints a receipt that falls into my latte. It smells like burning thermal paper.”

At press time, the company announced a premium “Pro” model where the keyboard uses actual typewriter hammers that physically smash the glass screen, requiring users to carry a bottle of white-out to fix typos.

Inspired by Clicks debuts its own take on the BlackBerry smartphone, plus a $79 snap-on mobile keyboard.