“Users claim our ads feel inescapable, so we simply leaned into that reality,” said Vice President of Engagement Les N. Plan. “We prefer to think of these physical intrusions not as ‘ads,’ but as non-consensual immersive brand interruptions designed to enhance your learning through trauma. If you ignore the push notification, the bird will be waiting in your pantry.”

Justin Case, an IT help desk technician, discovered the feature while attempting to make breakfast in his kitchen. As he depressed the lever on his toaster, the smell of burnt bread was replaced by the scent of damp synthetic felt. The green mascot suddenly popped out of the appliance slots, scattering crumbs everywhere while aggressively painting a QR code on Justin’s forehead.

At press time, the company announced a premium tier that allows the owl to paint subscription offers directly onto users’ eyelids while they sleep.

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