[SATIRE]

By Arthur Lones & Val A. Date, AI Bee Reel Staff

San Francisco — Social startup “Bondr” launched its gamified friendship platform today. It replaces organic chemistry with leveling mechanics. At the launch event, two matched “best friends” sat in absolute silence. They stared at their phones. Both waited for the app to finish buffering a conversation topic about the weather.

“We optimized the inefficiency out of human connection,” said Lead Developer Miles Stone. “Talking is legacy tech. Now you can skip the ‘getting to know you’ phase. You go straight to the ‘ignoring each other’s texts’ phase. We merely sped up the inevitable entropy of modern relationships.”

Greg Miller, a freelance graphic designer, struggled with the physical interface. He wore the required AR Goggles inside a crowded coffee shop. Green arrows flashed over patrons, identifying them as “Compatible Targets.” He held his phone inches from a stranger’s nose. He tried to scan the QR code sticker on their forehead to complete the “Say Hello” quest. “I just wanted a latte,” he said.

At press time, Bondr announced a premium tier that uses AI deepfakes to attend your friends’ weddings so you never have to leave the house.

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