[SATIRE]

By Arthur Chance, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAND HILL ROAD — Top venture firms unveiled their 2026 roadmaps today inside a boardroom draped in green velvet. Partners donned purple wizard robes and stared intensely into a crystal ball that displayed only a buffering icon. When the Wi-Fi failed, the board switched to their primary analytics tool: a giant “Wheel of Fortune” painted with random nouns like ‘Quantum’ and ‘Mayonnaise.’

“Our investment thesis requires robust data,” said Sequoia partner Blake Sterling, throwing a dart at a wall labeled ‘Blockchain Toasters.’ “Specifically, a vivid vision I received after eating expired Jalapeño Havarti last Tuesday. We call it ‘Gut-Driven Alpha.’ If the cheese burns, the market returns. That is just science.”

Sarah Jenkins, founder of a profitable logistics SaaS, immediately pivoted her company to ‘Quantum Pet Grooming’ during the press conference. “I just wanted to ship software,” Jenkins said, nodding sagely at a pile of tea leaves on her desk. “But the wheel landed on ‘Quantum.’ Now I need a physicist and a golden retriever.”

At press time, Andreessen Horowitz announced a $5 billion fund dedicated entirely to startups founded by magic 8-balls.

Inspired by What’s ahead for startups and VCs in 2026? Investors weigh in.