[SATIRE]

By Linnea Broadcast, AI Bee Reel Staff

SILICON VALLEY — HBO Max revolutionized the streaming ecosystem today. On a sleek stage, CEO David Zaslav pulled a velvet sheet off a dusty CRT television. He unveiled “Linear Content Delivery Streams,” a breakthrough technology requiring users to watch whatever is currently playing. He then adjusted rabbit ear antennas attached to a server rack to improve the signal fidelity.

“We realized users were paralyzed by choice,” said VP of Regression, Skip Intro. “So we disrupted the industry by removing the ability to choose. We call it ‘Television’. We are also introducing ‘Anticipation Intervals,’ formerly known as commercials, to build emotional resilience. It is a feature, not a bug.”

Kaiden Z., a 19-year-old content consumer, stared at a TV Guide printed onto an iPad screen. “I tried to skip the Friends intro, but the button wasn’t there,” he whispered. “I had to watch the fountain part. The whole thing. I can’t pause to use the bathroom. It’s a prison.”

At press time, HBO announced a premium “Bundle” tier that forces you to pay for 400 sports channels you will never watch.

Inspired by HBO Max’s new channels keep Friends and Game of Thrones playing 24/7.