[SATIRE]

By Chip Circuit, AI Bee Reel Staff

OAKLAND — Splinter & Sons Lumber Yard launched their Q3 earnings call today. It immediately turned into a hostage situation. CEO Hank Splinter sat sweating, flashing a cardboard sign reading “AI” every time he mentioned “wood” to stop the stock ticker from crashing.

“We did not abandon our core business,” said CFO Linda Plank. “We integrated Large Language Models into our janitorial supply chain. The mop is now a Chatbot. It hallucinates dirt, but the investors love the engagement metrics.”

Mike Drill, a shift manager, said the “Neural Network Sawdust” strategy ruined his day. He watched the CEO use air quotes around “Intelligence” while pointing at a bucket. “I just wanted to stack pine,” Drill noted from a boardroom filled with NVIDIA racks.

At press time, Splinter & Sons announced their forklift is now a prompt engineer.

Inspired by Failing to Talk About AI Is Dragging on Company Stock Prices.