[SATIRE]

SAN BRUNO — YouTube TV announced plans Tuesday to split its service into genre-based subscriptions. The company calls this a breakthrough. Industry experts call it ‘cable TV from 1998.’

The new model replaces the simple single price. Instead, users will pick bundles for sports, movies, or news. This allows customers to pay different amounts for channels they do not watch. It mimics the historic ‘Bronze, Silver, Gold’ system used by Comcast for decades.

Executives say the move solves a problem they created. “We realized streaming was too simple,” said Sanjay Patel, VP of Content Discovery. “Users missed the thrill of guessing which package had the channel they wanted. We brought that mystery back. We call it ‘Gamified Access.’ It turns watching TV into a puzzle you pay to solve.”

The company claims this adds flexibility. However, combining three genre packs will cost more than the old single plan. This is by design. “We are decoupling value from price,” explained Linda Dubois, Director of Revenue Experience. “If a movie is both funny and sad, you might need the Comedy Pack and the Drama Pack to finish it. That is the power of choice. You choose to pay us twice.”

At press time, YouTube TV announced a new ‘Loyalty Lock’ feature. It prevents you from cancelling for two years. They say it helps you commit to your entertainment journey.

Inspired by YouTube TV to launch genre-based subscription plans in 2026.