[SATIRE]

WASHINGTON D.C. — The State Department has a new strategy. It is not about borders. It is about fonts. Secretary of State Marco Rubio ordered staff to stop using Calibri. He mandated Times New Roman for all official files. He says this will “restore decorum.”

Officials say the change is vital for national security. “Serifs project strength,” said Sanjay Petrov, Deputy Assistant Secretary of Visual Standards. “Calibri is round and soft. You cannot intimidate adversaries with a friendly letter ‘a’. We need letters with sharp edges. That shows we are serious.” Petrov noted that the previous font was “too modern” for diplomacy.

Staff must now update millions of old files. This includes emails sent years ago. “We have paused trade talks to focus on formatting,” explained Linda Mwangi, Director of Document Integrity. “A treaty in a modern font looks like a party invite. We need the text to look like it was typed in 1994. That is what dignity looks like.” Mwangi admitted the change makes documents harder to read. She said clarity is less important than tradition.

At press time, the Department banned bold text. They said it was “too aggressive” for Tuesday memos.

Inspired by Marco Rubio bans Calibri font at State Department for being too DEI.