[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Major corporations announced a shift in compensation strategy this week. They are moving away from “legacy currency” like dollars. Instead, they will pay staff with “purpose.” The move follows a new report claiming meaning drives profit.

Executives say the change helps employees focus. “We found that cash is actually distracting,” said Sanjay Patel, VP of Human Capital Optimization. “It makes people worry about bills. When we remove the money, they focus on the mission. That focus is pure profit for us.”

The report suggests a “sense of belonging” is worth $20,000 a year. Companies are acting fast. One tech firm canceled its bonus pool on Tuesday. Instead, they sent everyone a framed photo of the CEO smiling. “This photo represents our shared journey,” explained Chloe Jensen, Director of Cultural Alignment. “You cannot put a price tag on that. So we did not.”

Staff reaction has been mixed. Some employees tried to pay rent with their new sense of purpose. Landlords were confused. One worker tried to deposit his “feeling of fulfillment” at the bank. The teller asked for cash instead. “The bank does not understand our culture,” said Jensen. “They are stuck in the past where people wanted to buy food.”

At press time, the company announced it would pay its electric bill with “gratitude.”

Inspired by How Meaning Supercharges Team Engagement and Profits.