[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — A local department head is in crisis this week. He discovered his team is doing exactly what he hired them to do. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Kevin O’Malley, Director of Strategic Alignment at a mid-sized logistics firm, says morale is low. He recently asked his data entry team to “rethink the company’s five-year roadmap.” They stared at him. Then they went back to entering data.

“I told them to act like owners,” O’Malley said, rubbing his temples. “But when payday comes, I have to remind them that they definitely do not own the place. It is a delicate balance. I want the passion of a CEO with the salary of an intern.”

The company has tried several non-cash incentives to spur high-level thinking. These included a pizza party and a generic email saying “good job.” Neither worked. Management fears the staff has succumbed to a new virus called “doing your job.”

“We call this ‘Quiet Working,'” explained Aisha Cohen, VP of Human Capital Optimization. “It is a disturbing trend. People come in. They do the specific tasks listed in their contract. Then they go home. It attacks the very soul of our culture. Where is the hustle? Where is the free consulting work we feel entitled to?”

Employees report they are confused. One anonymous worker noted that her job description involves spreadsheets, not market analysis. She added that her strategic thinking is reserved for figuring out how to pay rent.

At press time, O’Malley scheduled a mandatory brainstorming session at 5:00 PM. He was surprised when the team strategically decided to leave for the day.

Inspired by Ethics: My Team Won’t Think Strategically or Take Any Initiative. What Am I Doing Wrong?.