[SATIRE]

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google confirmed this week that older Nest cameras and security systems will stop working soon. The devices will become bricks. The company says this move helps users “embrace the future of non-ownership.”

Google explained that buying hardware is a misunderstanding. Customers thought they purchased a camera. In reality, they purchased a temporary license to look at their own house. “We are pivoting to a ‘Hardware-as-a-Moment’ model,” said Zoe Silva, VP of Product Ephemerality. “The fact that you paid $300 for a security system does not mean you get to keep using it. That would be unfair to the new products we want to sell you.”

The update will remotely disable the devices. They will not record video. They will not detect motion. They will simply sit on the shelf and look expensive. Google calls this “Decorative Mode.” It turns obsolete tech into modern art. “Reliability is boring,” noted Walter Tanaka, Director of Customer Detachment. “There is a thrill in not knowing if your baby monitor will work tomorrow. It keeps the relationship with our brand exciting. If a product works for ten years, we have failed to innovate it out of existence.”

At press time, Google announced a new smart lock. It requires a valid credit card on file to open the door from the inside.

Inspired by What Google Just Did To Nest Is The One Thing No Company Should Ever Do.