[SATIRE]

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google announced a new Android feature on Tuesday. It is called “Call Reason.” It allows callers to flag a call as “urgent” before you even pick up. The company says this will help users prioritize their time.

Early tests show that managers love it. They are using the “urgent” tag for everything. “We found that employees were screening calls during dinner,” said Kevin Jensen, VP of Digital Availability. “This feature fixes that bug. Now, when your boss calls to ask where a file is saved, your phone will light up like a bomb defusal kit. It creates a sense of immediate panic. That panic drives engagement.”

Users report that the “urgent” screen overrides silent mode. It also vibrates the phone until it falls off the table. One user said her phone screamed because her manager could not find the mute button on Zoom.

“This is about clarity,” explained Sophia Wu, Director of Workplace Synergy. “If I need to change a font color at 9 PM, that is an emergency to me. The employee needs to know that my minor inconvenience is now their crisis. It brings the energy of the office right to their bedside table.”

At press time, Google announced a Premium tier. If you ignore three urgent calls, the phone automatically calls your mother.

Inspired by Android’s new ‘Call Reason’ flags important calls before you even pick up.