[SATIRE]

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) issued new guidance Tuesday. It suggests companies stop giving annual raises. Instead, managers should “prescribe” mandatory social events. The group says this aligns with new medical trends.

The guidance cites research that social interaction improves health. Therefore, a forced office party is technically a medical benefit. “We looked at the data,” said Linda Rossi, VP of Cultural Alignment. “Employees say they want money to buy food. But doctors say they need socialization to feel better. We decided to listen to the doctors. It is just a happy coincidence that a pizza party costs less than a 5% salary increase.”

The new “Wellness Scripts” program is not optional. Employees must attend events to stay in good standing. Missing a mixer is now a compliance issue. “We treat fun with the seriousness it deserves,” explained Kevin Washington, Director of Joy Optimization. “If you do not attend the Tuesday karaoke session, you are non-compliant with your health plan. We cannot have people risking their wellness by going home to their families.” Washington noted that the karaoke machine is deducted from the team’s bonus pool.

At press time, SHRM announced a pilot program to replace dental insurance with a daily “Compliment Circle.”

Inspired by Doctors Are Prescribing Parties Now.