[SATIRE]

WASHINGTON — Congress introduced a new digital safety bill on Tuesday. It requires strict age checks for all mobile apps. This includes games like Candy Crush Saga. Lawmakers say this ensures the internet is safe for children.

The bill forces app stores to verify every user. It applies even to simple puzzle games. “We must be thorough,” said Sophia Mwangi, Director of Digital Safety. “A toddler might accidentally match three candies. That creates dopamine. By requiring a passport scan before every level, we protect their developing minds.” Mwangi admitted she has not played a mobile game since 2009.

Tech companies are building the new system now. It requires a valid government ID and a live video selfie. “The process is very simple,” explained Kevin Patel, VP of Identity Experience at Apple. “You upload your driver’s license. You wait 48 hours for manual review. Then you can play for twenty minutes. It creates a sense of occasion.”

Patel noted that the system is designed for security. If your phone screen locks, you must re-submit your paperwork. “This friction is a feature,” Patel added. “It makes you ask if you really need to crush that candy.”

At press time, lawmakers added a new rule. Opening the Calculator app will now require a credit check.

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