[SATIRE]

ST. LOUIS — Panera Bread announced a bold pivot on Monday. They are testing a new feature called "Quality." The chain admits this is a major departure from their recent strategy.

The company spent millions on customer research. They discovered that diners want sandwiches that taste like ingredients. "It was a shock," said Kevin Wu, VP of Culinary Optimization. "We focused on kiosks and subscriptions for years. We assumed the food was secondary. Apparently, people eat lunch to enjoy it. That is a game changer for us."

Implementing "flavor" has been difficult. The system was built for speed, not taste. "Real cheese behaves differently than the concept of cheese," explained Linda Dubois, Director of Edible Innovation. "It melts. It spoils. It has texture. Managing actual food requires a total overhaul of our operations." Dubois noted that the "Tasty" tier will be available in select markets first. It will require a small surcharge to cover the cost of using fresh items.

At press time, Panera announced a "Chewing Subscription." For $12 a month, customers are allowed to swallow the food.

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