[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Salesforce told customers Tuesday that price cuts are over. The company says discounts are “just about money.” They want a relationship based on “shared truth” instead.

Marketing teams found that talking about values is cheaper than lowering prices. “We realized that giving a 10 percent discount costs us revenue,” said Linda Tanaka, VP of Brand Connection. “But telling a customer we also care about the environment? That is priceless. And it costs us zero dollars.”

The new campaign replaces technical specs with moral statements. Sales emails will no longer list features. They will list the company’s hopes and dreams. The software itself has not changed. It still crashes when you export large files. But now the error message apologizes with empathy.

Executives say this shift helps customers feel better about high bills. “It is about alignment,” explained David Wu, Head of Price Perception. “When a customer sees a $50,000 invoice, they should not feel robbed. They should feel like they are funding a movement. We are not sure what the movement is yet. But it is very expensive to run.”

At press time, Salesforce announced a new “Integrity Tier.” For an extra $500 a month, the loading screen will display a quote about honesty.

Inspired by actual events.