[SATIRE]

LOS ANGELES — Korn Ferry released new data on Tuesday showing that only 16 of the top 1,000 companies are run by former HR chiefs. The firm says this is not an accident. It is a safety feature.

The report confirms that “people skills” are now viewed as a liability for top leadership. “We look for CEOs who can make hard choices,” said Walter Vargas, Senior Partner of Executive Search. “An HR background suggests the candidate might actually like people. That is a conflict of interest. You cannot have a CEO who hesitates to fire 5,000 workers just because they know their names.”

Corporations often claim that “people are our greatest asset.” But the data shows they prefer leaders who treat people like printer paper. “It is about priorities,” explained Linda Washington, VP of Strategic Alignment at a Fortune 500 firm. “We need a CEO who looks at a layoff list and sees cost savings. An HR person looks at the list and sees families. That kind of thinking ruins the quarterly earnings call.”

Washington noted that HR leaders are still valued. They are needed to plan the holiday party and deliver the bad news that the finance team decided on.

At press time, Korn Ferry announced a new training program for HR executives who want to become CEOs. The final exam requires them to fire their own grandmother to save forty dollars.

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