[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Zillow confirmed this week it has removed climate risk data from home listings. The company says warnings about floods and fires were “distracting.” They have replaced these scores with a new feature called “Optimistic Outlook.”

The previous system showed if a home might burn down or flood. Zillow says this hurt the user experience. “Buying a home is emotional,” said Linda Mwangi, VP of Emotional Real Estate. “Seeing a bright red ‘Severe Fire Risk’ badge ruins the mood. It makes people think about burning. We want them to think about the granite countertops. We removed the data to protect that joy.”

Real estate agents reportedly asked for the change. They claimed science was hurting their commissions. Zillow agreed to help. Instead of risk scores, the site now uses softer language. A home in a flood zone is now listed as having “seasonal aquariums.” A house in a wildfire path is described as “warm and cozy.”

“We are not hiding the truth,” explained Kevin Tanaka, Director of User Journey Mapping. “We are just delaying it. If a buyer knows the roof will melt in five years, they might not buy. That is bad for the economy. We prefer to let them enjoy the house now. They can deal with the insurance claim later. That is a problem for Future Them.”

At press time, Zillow updated listings for homes built directly on earthquake fault lines. They are now labeled as having “good vibrations.”

Inspired by actual events.