[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Global Logistics CEO Walter Washington is 82 years old. He announced Monday that he will remain CEO for another 40 years. He cited a new study on brain health as the reason.

The study claims that good sleep and diet can reverse brain aging. Washington says he is now biologically 28. “I read the research,” Washington told a room of tired board members. “I eat walnuts. I sleep seven hours. Science says I am just hitting my prime. To retire now would be irresponsible.” Washington has led the company since fax machines were cutting-edge technology.

The Human Resources department has paused the search for his replacement again. This is the fifth time since 2010. “We had a candidate ready,” said Sophia Becker, VP of Talent Continuity. “Then Walter walked in. He did ten pushups and ate a bowl of blueberries. He told us his neuroplasticity is higher than ours. He is probably right.” Becker has been waiting for a promotion for 15 years.

Washington says his longevity is a strategic asset. He plans to outlast the current market downturn and the next six as well. “Young people lack the stamina,” Washington explained while standing on a balance board. “They burn out. I have been eating salmon for lunch since 1985. I am ready to lead this company into the 22nd century.”

At press time, Washington fired three junior executives. He said they looked “sluggish” and clearly did not eat enough leafy greens to handle his pace.

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