[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Major tech companies announced a new mandatory wellness policy Tuesday. Employees must now lift heavy weights before bed. The goal is to make sleep more efficient so staff can return to work sooner.

The policy follows a new study showing resistance training improves sleep quality. Executives saw the data and spotted an opportunity. “We viewed sleep as a time theft,” said Sophia Vargas, VP of Human Capital Optimization. “Employees were wasting eight hours a night just lying there. Now we know how to speed that up. If a few deadlifts help you sleep harder, you can wake up fresh at 3:00 AM for the overseas call.”

The program is called “Power Down to Power Up.” It requires staff to log their workouts in a company app. The app syncs with payroll. If you do not squat, you do not get your bonus. “We want our team to be their best selves,” explained Lucas Jensen, Director of Biological Efficiency. “A well-rested employee is a productive employee. And an employee who can bench press their body weight has no excuse for being tired during the daily two-hour alignment meeting.”

Workers report feeling stronger but more exhausted. One junior developer said his boss asks for his “sleep stats” before asking about his code. The company claims this is for health. However, the fine print says that “excessive energy” resulting from good sleep belongs to the shareholders.

At press time, the company announced that employees who manage to sleep eight full hours will be marked as “low ambition” on their annual review.

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