[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Several tech companies announced a new “financial wellness” program today. They will stop giving cash bonuses. Instead, employees will receive Apple gift cards purchased on Amazon. The companies will keep the free $15 credit for themselves.

Executives say this move helps the bottom line. It turns a standard expense into a revenue stream. The finance department calls it the “Infinite Morale Loop.”

“We saw an opportunity to optimize gratitude,” said Mei Dubois, VP of Employee Delight. “Previously, we gave staff $100. That money was gone. Now, we buy a card, give the card, and keep $15. We use that $15 to buy breakroom snacks. The employees are basically funding their own coffee. It is a perfect system.”

Workers are less enthusiastic. Many tried to pay bills with the cards. One engineer tried to swipe an Apple card at a grocery store. It did not work.

Management insists this is for the employees’ own good. They claim cash is too flexible. It lacks direction.

“Cash is lazy gifting,” explained Walter Jensen, Director of Fiscal Imagination. “If I give you cash, you might pay for heat or rent. That is boring. A gift card forces you to buy apps or movies. We are driving you toward entertainment. We are curating your joy.”

The transition has faced some hurdles. The finance team spent three days scratching the silver strip off four thousand cards. “The silver dust is everywhere,” admitted one intern. “It is in the keyboards. It is in our lungs. But the company saved six percent, so it was worth it.”

At press time, the company announced that next year’s raises will be paid in Kohl’s Cash.

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