[SATIRE]

MOUNTAIN VIEW — Google released a software update for the Nest Learning Thermostat today. The device now checks your search history before turning on the furnace. The company calls this “Value-Based Heating.”

The system analyzes how many ads you clicked this week. If the number is low, the house stays cold. “We match your physical comfort to your commercial value,” said Sanjay Patel, VP of Ecosystem Synergy. “Heat costs energy. Energy costs money. If a user uses an ad blocker, they are not generating revenue. Why should they be warm?” Patel noted that this feature is on by default. Turning it off requires a notarized letter sent to a PO Box in Guam.

Users report the thermostat locks at 55 degrees until they search for car insurance. One user tried to override the setting manually. The screen displayed a message asking him to disable his privacy settings first. The new update also uses the motion sensor to track brand engagement. If you are wearing generic clothing brands, the temperature drops two degrees.

“This is about fairness,” explained Linda Petrov, Director of Smart Home Monetization. “The thermostat learns from you. If it learns you are cheap, it treats you accordingly. We encourage users to click on three sponsored links to earn one hour of warmth.” She added that high-value users who buy luxury goods will get “priority heat” during winter storms.

At press time, Google announced the Nest Protect smoke alarm. It now plays a 15-second unskippable ad before sounding the siren.

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