[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Apex Solutions declared victory over the “information gap” on Tuesday. The logistics firm installed new sensors to track every part of the business. Management says they now know everything.

The system logs every keystroke. It tracks every coffee break. It even counts how many times employees sigh during meetings. “We used to guess why productivity was down,” said Chloe Tanaka, VP of Strategic Insight. “Now we have the data. We know productivity is down because employees spend four hours a day entering data about their productivity.”

The project cost $3 million. It generates 400 reports every morning. The executive team admits they cannot read them all. “The volume is the point,” explained Lucas Washington, Director of Business Intelligence. “We have a dashboard that monitors the health of our other dashboards. It is mostly red. But it is a very accurate red.”

Managers now spend their entire week explaining the charts to other managers. Actual work has stopped. “We noticed a correlation,” Washington added. “The more we measure performance, the worse it gets. We are now building a new model to measure that correlation. It will require three new forms per day.”

At press time, the CEO asked for a report on why profits vanished. The system confirmed the money was spent on the report system.

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