[SATIRE]

LOS ANGELES — Major social platforms announced a new creator fund today. It pays users to livestream their most humiliating moments. The rate is currently four cents per view.

The program is called “Total Transparency.” It encourages users to film arguments, breakups, and quiet sobbing. “We found that happy content is boring,” said Sanjay Silva, VP of User Sentiment Optimization. “Advertisers want engagement. Nothing keeps a viewer watching like a stranger having a meltdown in a car. We are simply helping users monetize that pain.”

Early testers say the work is exhausting. The algorithm penalizes you if you stop crying to drink water. One user streamed a panic attack for forty minutes. She earned enough to buy half a coffee. “It is about volume,” explained Walter O’Malley, Director of Creator Economy Growth. “You cannot just cry once. You need to cry every day at 2 PM to build an audience. Consistency is key to unlocking the Silver Tier revenue share.”

The platforms also introduced “Sponsored Meltdowns.” This feature pauses the livestream during the saddest part. The user must then read a thirty-second script for a mattress company. If the user stops crying during the ad read, they forfeit the payment.

At press time, the company announced a fee. If you accidentally have a good day, they charge your account for “low engagement.”

Inspired by actual events.