[SATIRE]

AUSTIN — Dell unveiled its newest laptop today. It is the XPS Air. It weighs just four ounces. The company calls it a masterpiece of engineering. Workers call it a trap.

The marketing campaign focuses on freedom. But the specs tell a different story. The device is light enough to fit in a pocket. It is durable enough for a hike. This means you can never claim you left it behind.

“We call this ‘No-Excuse Portability,'” said Lucas Mwangi, VP of Mobile Productivity. “In the past, employees could say their bag was too full. Or that the laptop was too heavy for a beach trip. We have eliminated those barriers. Now, if you are awake, you can be working. That is true freedom.”

The battery life is also a weapon. The new chip allows the laptop to run for 96 hours without a charge. It also has a solar panel on the lid. “The number one friction point for working on vacation was a dead battery,” explained Walter Tanaka, Director of Always-On Strategy. “We solved that. Now the only friction point is your family asking you to put it away. We cannot solve that with hardware. Yet.”

Early testers report the screen is brighter than the sun. This allows users to check spreadsheets even at noon on a boat. One user noted she could now answer Slack messages while snorkeling. She did not sound happy about it.

At press time, Dell announced a waterproof shower mount. It costs $49. It ensures you never miss a Zoom call, even while washing your hair.

Inspired by actual events.