[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Global Synergies sent a memo to all staff Tuesday. It grants official “amnesty” for all holiday eating. The company says guilt reduces productivity during Q4.

The new policy allows employees to eat office treats without shame. This permission expires sharply on January 2. “We want employees to bring their whole selves to the buffet,” said Linda Vargas, VP of Holistic Employee Experience. “Worrying about calories takes time away from hitting year-end targets. We need you focused on shipping products, not your waistline. You can feel bad about your choices next month.”

The memo coincided with the annual Holiday Cookie Swap. This event is mandatory. It happens one hour after the “Healthy Living” webinar. Staff found this confusing. Management calls it strategy.

“It creates a dynamic tension,” explained Sanjay Patel, Director of Strategic Wellness. “We feed you the cookies. Then we send you an email about heart health. It is a perfect closed loop. This ensures we hit our engagement metrics for both the party planning committee and the health insurance rebate program.” Patel noted that the donuts in the break room are tax-deductible.

At press time, HR announced a mandatory “New Year, New You” 5K run. It starts at 6:00 AM on your first day back.

Inspired by actual events.