[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — A leading retail consultancy unveiled its new Black Friday strategy this week. The package is called "Neuro-Panic." It promises to bypass human logic entirely. The goal is no longer to sell good products. The goal is to induce a small medical episode that results in a purchase.

The firm says traditional sales are too polite. "If a customer has time to think, we have failed," said Dmitri Washington, VP of Impulse Optimization. "Thinking leads to budgeting. Budgeting leads to closing the tab. We need to trigger the lizard brain. We want the customer to feel that if they do not buy this toaster immediately, they might die."

The software uses aggressive tactics. It flashes red lights on the screen. It plays a subtle heartbeat sound that speeds up. It shows a countdown timer that removes one minute every time you read a review. "We call it ‘Anxiety-Based Conversion,’" explained Linda Wu, Director of Behavioral Urgency. "We tested this on a focus group. We found that when heart rates hit 120 beats per minute, people will buy anything. One test subject bought a kayak. He lives in an apartment. He does not know how to swim. That is the power of science."

Small business owners are skeptical but interested. The package includes a feature called "Social Dread." It tells shoppers that 400 people are looking at the same item, even if the site is empty.

At press time, the firm announced a Cyber Monday update. It will use your webcam to detect if you look calm. If you do, it will raise the price.

Inspired by actual events.