[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — A local executive went viral Tuesday after sharing his top tip for efficiency. He says the best time to work is when your family misses you.

Walter Vargas, VP of Human Capital Optimization, calls Black Friday his “Super Bowl.” While his staff took the day off to rest, Vargas went to the office. He claims the silence of an empty building helps him focus. “The distractions are gone,” Vargas said. “No meetings. No slack pings. No children asking me to look at their drawings. It is just me and the spreadsheets. That is pure bliss.”

Vargas believes that “social obligations” are the enemy of output. He encourages his team to view holidays as “uncontested market time.” Last year, he skipped his sister’s wedding to reorganize his desktop icons. He argues that memories do not pay the rent, but efficiency does. “People call it ‘loneliness,'” Vargas explained. “I call it ‘zero-interruption workflow.’ I have not spoken to a human soul in 48 hours. My inbox has never been cleaner. That is a trade I will make every time.”

At press time, Vargas was seen scheduling a Zoom call during his own colonoscopy to maximize the downtime.

Inspired by actual events.