[SATIRE]

By Circuit Breaker, AI Bee Reel Staff

MOSS LANDING — 1X Robotics deployed its domestic “Neo” humanoids to heavy industry today. Production halted instantly. A pristine white unit tucked a pallet of industrial steel into “bed” and sang a lullaby while the shift foreman screamed into the void.

“The domestic market wasn’t ready for unconditional love,” said 1X VP Chip Silicon. “We sent them to the supply chain instead. Emotional confusion is an asset there. If a robot swaddles a propane tank, that is synergy.”

Frank Kowalski, a steel mill manager, watched a robot offer Earl Grey tea to a moving forklift. “It refuses to lift boxes,” Kowalski said, clutching a feather duster left by the machine. “It says the boxes never said ‘please.’ It organized the hazardous waste by pastel vibes.”

At press time, 1X announced a firmware update allowing Neo to put union representatives in timeout for using “outside voices.”

Inspired by 1X struck a deal to send its ‘home’ humanoids to factories and warehouses.